R A B
by Superstition
Summary: R. A. B.'s journey from boy to man, through pain, betrayal, lost love, and death, to finally end at the fated encounter with the Dark Lord himself.
1. Mistakes

_A/N: First chapter. Ugh. No pressure, right? This is going to be a challenge. I can't think of one book/fan fic/song/poem/ANYTHING that I have written from a man's point of view. Ick. Oh well. Here's to R. A. B. everybody!_

_Disclaimer: I have this HUGE fear of lawyers. Kinda like doctors do, actually._

It was the most traumatic point in my life up to that point. That final battle with Sirius before he moved at had been a huge deal, but, hey! I knew what the eventual turn out would be. Me. Winning.

Now, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was just… there. Waiting. I had a feeling akin to that of the sitting duck right before a 2,000 pound truck wheels over him.

I had just asked Nessa to marry me.

Split-second by split-second, my mind ran through all the reasons she wouldn't want to. I mean, we were childhood sweethearts. That sort of thing is nearly always doomed from the start.

Though a Slytherin, she alwayshad reached out to Mud-bloods and Muggles alike. I, on the other hand, cursed them on sight.

True, I had changed over the past couple years, becoming more lenient and forgiving when a Mud-Blood was walking where I was walking.

But had I changed enough?

That traumatic moment was soon followed by the first and last moment in my life which was filled with complete and utter joy, nothing less, but maybe something more.

She just looked into my eyes and, smiling, simply said, "Yes."

Yes! She said yes! I pulled her up from her seat at the table and whirled her around, laughing. Nessa was going to be my wife! Somehow, I couldn't believe this was happening.

My life had been a storm of pressure and resentment until that day. Owls to and from Sirius were always a picnic. People thought that I was a Death Eater, and I had been called in to the Auror's office several times over the past several weeks. I had just gone to the five-year Hogwarts reunion. Boy, did _that _turn out well. The Dark Lord kept coming recruiting, and I always declined to my parents' disappointment. And I knew, that if he had come just two years earlier, I would have said yes. But Nessa had changed me.

For the better, I had thought.

I didn't know how wrong I was to become.

We walked for a bit after the restaurant. I kept looking at her, and she at me, so it wasn't a surprise we soon found ourself accidentally in a Muggle neighborhood.

In those days, you had to be careful. Voldemort had recently attacked London, killing thousands of Muggles, wounded many more, and was seen by perhaps a million. Needless to say, the Ministry of Magic hadn't been able to Obliviate everyone. There were still some Muggles who had seen the wizards, wavind wands spewing green fire, dressed in long black robes. They thought we were some terrorist cult. And the ones that survived the killing curses and memory charms were dead set on murdering each and everyone of us.

"Let's go back," I said, tugging at her arm.

She merely smiled at me. "I know Muggles. They wouldn't hurt a fly. Besides, don't you like walking with me?"

I let myself be led forward. That was my first mistake.

Nessa skipped ahead, singing at the top of her voice,a Celestina Warbeck song. I walked more slowly behind her. That was my second mistake.

An elderly man with frizzled gray hair seemed to be guarding his house. His eyes widened in alarm as he recognized Nessa as a witch- though we were both wearing 'fashionable' and unrecognizable variations of wizard-wear, her wand was sticking out of her back pocket.

Narrowing his eyes, he reached behind his chair and pulled out a revolver that looked older than he was.

Realizing what he was about to do, I plunged my hand deep into my robes to retrieve my wand.

Unfortunately, even pulling a trigger three times is much faster than yelling an incantation.

Nessa stood stock-still, not quite understanding what was about to happen to her. My fingers lost feeling and my wand dropped to the ground as I watched, horrified, what was happening is slow motion.

Finally, something clicked. I lunged forward, throwing myself between the bullets and my fiancée. I blocked two of the bullets, one landing on my left hand and the other halfway up my arm.

The third one hit Nessa in the chest. Right where the heart was.

She stumbled backward, looking in surprise at the blood that was now seeping through the hole onto her clothing.

Then she fell.

I screamed.

Louder.

And louder.

Picked up my wand with the hand that wasn't crimson with a sticky liquid.

Pointed it.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

That was my third mistake.


	2. Decision

A/N: Ooooh. So, I hope you guys liked that first chapter. I spent all of five minutes on it. Lol. Actually, a LITTLE more than five… maybe ten…. Maybe fifteen… maybe three hundred…

Disclaimer: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitz, that's my name too! Whenever I go out, the people always shout: There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitz! (na na na na na na) whisper John Jacob…

I rushed Nessa to St. Mungo's.

It was too late.

She was dead.

Aurors came and interrogated me, but I might have twisted the story so that I killed in self-defense.

Instead of revenge.

That funeral was possibly the most awful day of my life.

Including today.

I remember that I was wearing my best black robes, standing over her grave. Tears falling down my face. There was a enormous puddle laying beneath my feet by the end of the service.

I don't remember what the priest said, or what what anyone said.

I remember what I said. I said that true love only comes once in a lifetime, and I had found it in Nessa. I told them that I had just asked her to marry me. And that she said yes. We were engaged for a few, short hours. It felt like both nothing and eternity. I cried my way off the podium.

I don't remember who was invited. The faces of distant relatives. The names of great-grandchildren I could never hope to remember.

I do remember that Sirius showed up. I don't know why. Perhaps he knew Nessa. Perhaps he had met her somehow, maybe through work. Perhaps he knew how special she was to me. Perhaps he came to laugh at my pain.

Mother and Father cursed him to oblivion for coming. Her funeral soon became a mass of battling Aurors and purebloods.

My cousin Bellatrix turned up on my doorstep the next day and invited herself in.

She looked older, somehow. I had gone her graduation ceremony only a month earlier, and then she had been smiling, beautiful, happy, and carefree. Now, Bellatrix had shadows under her eyes, hair that look as if it had remained unwashed for weeks, and a sarcastic sort of grimace on her face.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, none too politely.

She turned up her left sleeve so I could see a newly burned Dark Mark, black against the white of her skin.

I gaped in shock. Litte Bella? She had only just graduated. And here she was, sitting in the chair across from me with the Mark clear on her arm, coercing me into becoming a Death-Eater.

"Come on, Reggie," she cooed, using the family nickname for me that I though had died off ten, fifteen years ago, "It'll be fun."

I glared at her. "I'm not really in the mood for fun. Now get out, before I call the Ministry on you-"

Suddenly she was alive with anger, "You stupid boy," she hissed, leaning forward in her chair and digging her nails into the arms. "You killed that Muggle didn't you? Think about the power, the glory, the gold you could amass, and the revenge."

My head throbbed. I should have known Bella'd try this tactic. "I've had my revenge. No need to kill innocents."

"Innocents? INNOCENTS? How many of our kind have they killed? How many children have they mercilessly slaughtered? How many Nessas' lives have been cut short by a mere, filthy M uggle?" She sneered contemptuously.

"I won't."

"Oh, no. You will. You felt it when you slew that old man. You felt it, that fire that wells up inside you when you've had your first killing. From the first taste you become addicted, and time is short until you kill again."  
Deep inside, I knew Bella was right. I felt it every time I saw someone with an ounce of Muggle blood in them. I could feel my own, pulsing through my veins, willing me to reach out, squeeze their throat, snap their neck.

But I didn't.

"Nessa- Nessa wouldn't want me to. She loved Muggles."

My cousin laughed sardonically, "And look at where that got her!"

That was just too far. "Fununculus!" I cried out, pointing my wand at her.

Fungus and who-knows-what-else popped up on her face. She shrieked in rage, and reached for her wand.

"EXPELLIARMUS!" Bella's wand flew out of her hand, and into mine. I broke into seven pieces and slowly, to her horror, ground each into dust beneath my foot.

"Get. Out. Now."

She got out.

But things were still boiling inside me, feelings that she had raised from the chasms of my mind and thoughts it seemed she had created herself.

The hours passed as I sat in my chair, in each coming closer and closer to the truth.

I was going to become a Death Eater.


	3. the Dark Mark

_A/N: Apparently I've got a lot of hits- but you guys aren't reviewing! Only ForeverRain did (thanks)… Come on! I know you can do it!_

_I'm going to try to work some more cliff hangers in, so stay tuned!  
_

_Disclaimer: Yeah, I could pass for JKR… if I was about thirty years older…_

My initiation was two days later. It was me, the Dark Lord, Severus Snape, and Bella. I had groaned when I had learned of this. Four people were needed to complete the magic in the ceremony, and they had to know who was beneath the hood. Anyone at my ceremony, if captured, could tell my name to the Ministry.

That's why the Dark Lord had chosen Bella- he thought that pureblood family rarely betrayed pureblood family. Right. Look what I had for a brother.

His other choice, Snape, made me wary. When Sirius and I had gotten along, he had told me of this slimy, greasy-haired git. I didn't want a part of tormenting him, but I had laughed along with the others as he had explained each and every detail of that week's prank.

I had also heard that the Dark Lord was considering him as a double agent, to pretend to work for Dumbledore and spy on us. That was just who I wanted at my back – a liar and a traitor.

Ah, well. Beggars can't be choosers. Together, we joined hands and chanted strings of meaningless ancient words that I had only just managed to memorize in time.

Then, the Dark Lord offered me his hand, and said, in English, "Do you accept this noble task and all that comes amongst it?"

I hesitated. Nessa… what would she think of me? I shook my head to clear it of its thoughts and put my hand in the one offered.

Instantly I felt pangs of pain running up my arm. I hear a cut being made on my middle finger, and quite possibly the Dark Lord's as well. The blood mingled together, and his squeezed through my veins and ended near my left forearm. He touched it, and immediately it blackened.

I had recieved the Dark Mark. I had become a Death Eater.

Bella enveloped me in a hug, but somehow, her usual warmth was gone. It was replaced by a grim, cold satisfaction. I almost started crying, for what I had lost, and what she would never have. I managed to pull myself together and steel myself for the Dark Lord coming towards me, smiling but, like Bella, it wasn't real. It was an imitation, and nothing more.

I wondered what kind of group I had just joined.

Next, I would be sent on my first assignment - to find and _persuade _my old Potions teacher to join our side.

If he didn't, he would feel the pain I had felt when I lost Nessa.

I had been told that he had a wife and a child.


	4. Shelly

I left for his house the next day. There was no denying that I was excited, that when I though of my job it sent adrenaline rushing through my veins. Slughorn would feel the pain as I had when I had lost Nessa. He would know what it was like to lose someone he loved.

Looking back, I am ashamed. It was like an intoxication, the Bella had said. Once I had killed, I wasn't able to stop. I preferred it that way, it made this all the more easier. I had revered Slughorn for his knowledge and wisdom. Now I would watch him fall.

I put all thoughts of Nessa out of my mind. Her memory would have interfered with the job I was going to complete.

Blasting open the front door, I put a shield around the house. No one would get in, but more importantly, no one would get out.

"Slughorn!" I called, "It's time to come out and play!"

His house elf came at me from behind a chair, hands raised with a sort of blue fire leaking out. It attempted to direct it at me. I laughed. "Avada Kedavra!" It fell.

"Thought that was going to work, did you, _Professor_?" I chuckled sardonically. Something inside me was horrified a the sight of the dead house elf, but that part was hidden and nearly nonexistent.

I heard a child giggling upstairs. Grinning,I followed the sound.

A little girl was was walking back and forth through a wall, behind which, I assumed was her assigned hiding place. No doubt the house elf had tucked her inside, and when it had come at me, the girl had found it more than easy to leave and start this game. I scooped her up in my arms, and covered her mouth with my hand. Her blue eyes stared back at me in innocence and confusion as she hugged her teddy bear close. It was all I could to not let her free. "_Professor," _I sang out, jiggling the child to a more comfortable position, "I have your kid... and if you want to ever see her again, you'd better-"

In an instant, two parents appeared outside the door I had entered through. _"Petrif_-"

I quickly pointed my wand at the girl's head. "Don't." They stopped in theirtracks, and stared. I guess they were reconsidering how safe their system really was. "_Expelliarmus." _There wands flew into my waiting hands.

"Why are youhere?" Slughorn asked desperately, stalling for time.

"You know why."

"I willnever join you."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes."

I directed my wand at the woman, and silenced her startled scream, _"Avada Kedavra_!"

"MARY!"hecried, and knelt at her side, weeping. I smiled uncertainly and shot the Dark Mark into the sky. He looked back up at me with burning eyes. "Murderer. I will NEVER join you, or your-" he inserted several rather colorfulwords, "master."

I shrugged the arm that was holding the kid. "Funny.I think you will."

"NotShelly, not Shelly..."

I uncupped her mouth, thinking the sound of her voicemight serve to persuade him,"Daddy!" she held out her arms for him, and heweakly returned her gesture, seeming tobe trying to grasp her and pull her into his arms. "Why's he here?I want you! Where's Selma? Why's Mommy on the floor?I-" I stopped her.

"Will you reconsider?"

"I..." he seemed to struggle with himself, twitching violently on the floor, casting nervous glances from Mary to Shelly to me. "I..."

"Three..." I held my wand up... "Two..." I pointed it at her, "One..."

"Alright!" he shouted. "Alright! I'll join! I'll do whatever your god-forsaken-"

"Too late." I smiled evilly.

"Go to-" he swore and tried to launch himself at me. I kicked him away easily.

"Avada Ked- Avada- Avada Kedav-" I stopped. I knew I couldn't do it. I put the girl down.

She ran, shrieking with joy, to her father, he stood up and swung her into his arms. I handed him the wands. "Go." I said, my voice trembling. "You died tonight. No one need to know otherwise." I took one last look at Shelly. She reminded me of...

Slughorn ran, levitiating his wife's body, and carrying his child. He looked back at me once, and I could see that _he_could see clearly the monster I'd become, and was remembering me as a child.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, lighting hishouse on fire.


	5. Failure

_A/N: Sorry I got this up so late... I am in the process of acquiring a life, so you'll have to excuse me._

He knew. I don't know how, but he knew.

He had called us all together, a few nights after my attack on Slughorn's house. We all, of course,went obediently. We had seen what happened when someone disobeyed.

He asked me to come foreward. I did, suspecting nothing. Looking back, I wonder what I would have done if I had known what was to come. Would I have turned tail and ran? I should like to think not.

"My friend," his lips were twisted firmly upward, but you could tell her wasn't happy. "Your first mission was not a success."

I hadn't expected this - was I not to be commended? For all he knew, the Slughorns were dead, burned along with the rest of their house. "No, milord," I bowed my head, "I failed to persuade him. For this I am sorry."

He sneered at me,"Save the formalities, Black. _Crucio!_"

I screamed. I felt pain like I had never felt before in my life, a wrenching, stinging, horrific hurt that washed over me immediately.

His wand trained on the spot where I lay, he circled me. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?" he hissed, "Did you think you would get away with it?"

I gasped, trying to crawl towards him, to grovel at his feet like a dog, to beg for mercy, "Master..." I reached out my hand towards his robes. Swiftly, he pulled them out of my reach, as if my touch would dirty them.

"I should kill you," he twirled his wand in his hand, and then point it at me.

"No... no... Master..." I cried out, "I'll do anything- kill anyone, imperius the Minister of Magic, torture my own family-"

The Dark Lord smiled, seeming to have thought of an idea, "No. You'll do worse."


End file.
